I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
