Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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