If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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