I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
