just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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