He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Randomize
