Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
