"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
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