i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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