Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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