It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
