After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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