Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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