I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize