She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
