If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Randomize
