apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
