matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing