I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I met the friendliest cop last night
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
29 Of The Most Hilarious And Embarrassing Walks Of Shame Ever
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
These 23 Dudes Get Giddy From Dem Titties
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...