Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
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dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
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It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.