youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
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this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
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there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls