is your mom at the bar?
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
