just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
