Duck Duck Cougar?
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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