Already got asked if we're dating
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
