I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
So here I am, sexting at work.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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