i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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