i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Randomize
