last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
