Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
