I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
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He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
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