Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I'm both gender and math confused
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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