like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
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Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
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I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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