I'm really into asian looking animals
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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