her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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