I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
After tacos, we're chasing women.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
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