Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
