you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
