I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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