I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize
