why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
