Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
