then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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