I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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