I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
