Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
We got so high we made milksteak
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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