Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Text me some of your sweat
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
