My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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