everyone is single if you try hard enough
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
