True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
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Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
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With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize