just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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