I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
