my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
