You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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