I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Randomize
