Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out