the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
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When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
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Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex