i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
