He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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