I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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