I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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