there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
