I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
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so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
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And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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