just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
