Whod you bang
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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